Mentally Confused Black Chick

Have you ever felt as though your mind won't ever shut up? Do you constantly worry about everything? Do you feel as though you are a bother to everyone around you and everyone would be best without you? If so, I'm sorry. I'm right there with you. 

I've always known I felt "off" on a mental aspect growing up. Why couldn't I be happy as everyone else? Why am I constantly worrying about different situations, thoughts, etc. I wish this would all go away. 

"Go get help". "Talk to someone". "Pray about it". The answers are there, but it is not as easy as it seems. I've known since my teen years that I may help with coping skills. The only bad thing is I come from a background where emotions weren't encouraged. Sure, we were asked about our day or some other monotone question. Unless it was an answer that wanted to be heard, then I had to resort to keeping things in. 

I kept a journal in my teens to help cope and it helped a lot. It allowed me to leave my reality to be someone that had their life together, was always happy, and had a still mind. I found myself going into that false reality a lot. This would be okay if I could apply this to my reality. Instead, I started comparing myself to this alter ego and would become stressed because I couldn't bring myself to be as open and carefree as that. 

I started being disgusted with myself. I started to worry about others knowing how insecure and unhappy I was with myself. I carried the "happy face" everywhere, and no one knew how unhappy I really was. Sure, I had friends, but I had no one close enough that would understand what I was going through. At least, at the time I didn't. 

I had no real relationships with anyone including family. I felt alone and unworthy. I started thinking about how life would be without me. Why would anyone want someone who was practically emotionless at this time. What could I do. There was no one in my corner. This led to a first suicide attempt. 

After the attempt, I felt even more of a failure. Instead of my parents, particularly my father, asking what was wrong, I was told that this will follow me everywhere, and I would never be able to live up to a full potential because of the attempt. I felt worse with life and just disconnected as a whole. 

Over the years, I met and married my husband at the age of 19, had a baby, finished college, and best of all, I decided to finally go to therapy. The story of this path will be for another day =). 

Therapy was one of the best things I can do for myself. They helped me with coping skills, how to build better relationships with people, and best yet, they understood me. I didn't feel judged and could finally tell someone else my story.

The overall point of this post is that it's okay to not be okay. There is always one person out there that can and wants to help. Coming from someone with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression, just knowing that tidbit was enough to keep me going. 

Stay tuned for the next post. I'll be talking about running a business with these mental disorders and tips of "staying sane". Even though I run a business, mental health is something I take seriously. If anyone reading this needs anything, please don't be afraid to reach out <3